(from my notes on my phone when Beau was born)
Most of my life growing up I was a sensitive kid. What I mean by “sensitive” is that I expressed my emotions, mainly sad or ones that caused me to cry, easily and freely. I didn’t feel a lot of resistance to my body’s natural reaction to a sad movie or a bad feeling that caused my heart to feel heavy and my eyes to fill with tears. I feel fortunate I didn’t feel much shame about being honest. But somewhere in my early to mid-twenties something went dark. Something went dry. It wasn’t my intention to shut down emotionally and even looking back I didn’t purposely hold back my emotions. I just… stopped crying and expressing emotion via water from my eyeballs. I think I got too practical, too busy to cry. It’s not efficient to break down every now and then.
hospital pre-op room
delivery room
post-op room
recovery/resting room for 3 days
I cried all over the place in all of these places. I couldn’t stop.
I snuck out to the main hallway to creep toward to the coffee machine as I felt it start again. It was like the energy of loving-kindness emanating from the speakers resonated with my spirit before my brain could make out who it was that was speaking. Or in this case, praying. It was the hospital chaplain and he came over the hospital PA system to pray for the babies, the staff, and the families staying on the floor. As I thought about the miracle of love in room 451 that I just exited, and the handful of other families staying on the floor, I gave in to the rush of gratitude and sadness.
Grateful that my son was healthy and doing well. That we get to be his parents. For a loving and brave and beautiful wife. Grateful for the support and love we had received so much of leading up to Beau’s birth and all that week. Sadness for the premie babies and NICU babies and families needing even more love and support. Everything belongs.
I cried eating my cafeteria pancakes. They were so good and it was like eating food for the first time. I cried at the texts I received. I cried holding him. Cried because I was crying.
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