Wrote this in 2020 and, for whatever reason, never posted it…
I’ve tasted Oneness.
A merging of sorts, with Reality.
Pain and Bliss are always somehow connected.
It’s then that you crave to go back
Back to what? or who?
To the Womb
And it’s always that we barter to stay one more day, thinking that will alleviate some pain, phantom or not.
The predicament is that there is no There, but only in our minds — the Memory.
There is only Here. And Now. You don’t “exist” back “there” or somewhere in the future. We hardly remember the past as it actually occurred, and we rarely experience the future events as we envisioned them playing out. Right now you’re here.
The true Memory embedded into all of us is true in fact. Its like that distant recollection of the time you tried to shove a gumball up your nose in 2nd grade. It existed. It happened. But you can’t go back except through the ways you enter in through going forward in your being now. The present experience, as you’re experiencing reading what I’ve just written — that’s what you have. Now you’ve lost it. Now you have it again. Not the thought of you thinking about what you read. The actual event of reading it — the experience — is what is. The second you’ve thought to name it or preserve it, it vanishes.
And I think accepting this vanishing is only one part of the Act on stage. There’s still the next part, the Reveal. And what’s being revealed to us is ourselves. Our Self. Because the not-so-secret, ages old Wisdom, that everything is connected to everything. Including you, including me. This is what we’ll come to find if we can get quiet enough in our hearts to hear what’s being said. I’m speaking of course of the inner chatter, that ego mind, that tries to think through every situation — the investigator, who ends up acting more like your non-trusting neighbor when his hedge clippers go missing. The Accuser.
This both ancient and current vision of merging with the One is not native to spiritual communities. Even secular groups are attempting this with transcendent-inducing substances like cannabis, psilocybin, LSD, etc. What’s more is that religious communities and those affiliated are beginning to recognize the benefits of psychadelics in an honoring, (spiritually and ethically) respectful way of clarity and realization of okay-ness in the world. Therapy and relief for those suffering from ptsd, depression, anxiety/end of life, and memory care are just a few of the uses of these medicines.
Christians have a unique belief when it comes to this past/present/future Reality of “The Garden”. The narrative that Oneness began in an unadulterated Garden-state (some believe this was a literal garden, but that’s not the point). This state of “being” was “perfect”. Meaning that what we’re really after and destined for is a sort of mode of being with others and God that is undisturbed by evil, sickness, death, etc.
This isn’t a bad thing — it’s beautiful and wonderful. But it’s not the Juice some think it is.
The Real is not an escape from what we’re actually encountering, it’s occurring here and now in the most ordinary of ways.
You can’t merge with something you’re already In. Something that is already in You.
But it’s part of the drama. To watch how it will all unfold. To try to get “back” to something or go “toward” something else. It keeps the whole thing going. Stay there, that’s okay. Just don’t get attached to it. Remember the Memory. Remember you’re playing a Game.
Try this reflection:
Sit comfortably and begin to breathe at a slightly slower pace than normal.
Experience the inhale, now the exhale. Ride the wave of your breath moving through your lungs, expanding your chest and heart space.
A few more, just like that. Witnessing for a moment and then letting go, not holding onto the breath for too long.
Now: think about this:
Who are you?
Not who you were three seconds ago when you read that question — Who Are you? Now. Without imagining a different or idealized version in either the past memory or future anxiety of what’s to come.
Now hold that, and close your eyes for a half minute (what feels like thirty seconds). Just being with that response.
Now as you close your eyes for this next pause, still breathing thoughtfully, begin to thank your-self for being present today. For being right here, now. And for choosing to be anchored to This. Not worrying about the myriad of ways we’ll fumble in the practice of Being today, after this moment has concluded.
Be gracious toward yourself. As you would be toward a friend. And begin to receive that loving presence as God’s very own presence, which is the presence in you, and the presence in all. And receive it as a full gift. Not something on loan.
Because most of our relationships are reciprocal and we receive so much meaning from how we perform or live up to certain assumed expectations, there’s always an underlying anxiety. These “shoulds” we live with. We bring the Divine into this mess, too. Our minds, our thinking minds, rely on this feedback loop to confirm our reality. Like a touchstone or prayer beads. Like walls in a room we use to define the space and remember we’re “somewhere”. We can’t bear the thought of no walls. Of requiring nothing from others, nothing of ourselves. It makes you think differently about the world. Even now I’m thinking about how I’m going to budget my time and attention and the rest of the day. There’re things that require this sort of thinking. When I’ll watch Beau so Kirsten can do something she’s been waiting to get done. When Griff needs to eat and take his medicine. But we live in that mind 98% of the time, and 2% of our time is spent doing what we’re doing. Being here. Realizing that this moment becomes all moments. What if the inverse ratio were put into action? If I wasn’t constantly thinking about what’s next? The next house project, my next job, where we’ll live in 10 years, when we should have another baby, how long I’ll live for, whether Beau will like me in 7 years or not. It’s all mind stuff. It’s all a gigantic distraction most days. To live from the core of who we are means accessing the portal within each of us that always brings us to Now.
(The War of Art) overcoming the ego/false-self/accuser/resistance
I have a friend going through a rough breakup. We both married young and were in church jobs for some time, he for longer than myself. The odds were pretty dicey but seemed worth it. Marriage was backed by God. But then the reality of marriage sets in and some feel like their world is caving in and expectations aren’t met. Kirsten and I feel just plain lucky. We have a son and get to spend our days in a hybrid work/parent mode of living. We’ve learned to love it. Because it’s what is.
My friend asked me if I ever wish I could go back and make different choices for my life. I told him “I look with curiosity, not regret” regarding the past choices I’ve made. I left it brief and to the point. I wanted to continue and say “I’m where I am, and that’s here. If I made a different choice, I’d be there, here. But I’m here, now”. Befriending the present moment. Accepting what is. This is true secret sauce. And its been with us and in front of us and under our noses the entire time. My friend is not alone in his thinking. I sometimes forget that I was so deep in some of these circles that insist on labeling and naming every thing. Dualistically sorting and organizing. Very deeply attached to personality and ego. I knew exactly who I was as a Christian : a child, saved, set apart, called, enneagram 6, pastoral, husband, father, etc. We can do this in other religious or non religious contexts too. I can instead define myself by what I’m not or what I am by what I do : cannabis user, father, ex-Californian, Oregonian, software salesman, gym/workout guy, occasional instagram user/stalker/non-poster, etc.
We can get so stuck in this loops of what we call our identity. I heard so many sermons in my time involved in church on identity and how identity was something only God could define.
Is that true? Who/What is behind even that thought/definition?
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